Last year...... again

The View from Here
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

During my hour-long commute today, I struggled to remember the last time I was really single. By really single, I mean not even dating anyone. At all. I actually had to turn off the radio and think pretty hard about it. Truth is, I don't exactly remember.

I dated the same boy in high school pretty much the whole time, and then on into college and even beyond. Yes, we had our "taking a break" moments where we both saw other people, but we always wound up back together. I was with him until I was 25. When I moved here, I immediately started dating an old college boyfriend -- someone who I saw during the "breaks." We got engaged, then married. Eight months after we said "I do" I was pregnant with our first child. So technically, has it been since junior high that I was really single? Oh surely not. Wait. Has it?

As I maneuver my way through this new single life, I have become very in tune with The Way the World Works. This won't be a revelation for the single pros out there, but truly, this is a world designed for pairs. (Or pears, ;) if you will....shout out). I have overcome the fear of going to the movies alone. It's actually pretty easy to get by with that, as in, it's socially acceptable. I just choose the movie, buy my Diet Coke, and find a random seat away from the crowd. And truth be told, as a busy mom, I like the alone time. That said, I don't mind shopping alone, either. No strollers or whiny kids in tow. I can actually try on clothes IN the store--a true luxury. But after a few hours in a mall, I begin to notice how everything around me is in two's--or fours when they have the family with them. I'm only 5'2", but I start to feel even smaller in a big, big world. Not long ago, when the girls' father had them for the afternoon and evening, I headed out to a mall to kill some time. As I was leaving the mall, the sun was going down. For the first time in a really long time, I felt scared. Alone. I looked at everyone with suspicion. News stories of women alone in parking lots being mugged, raped, or kidnapped started running through my head. My whole body began to tense up. I thought of my kids at home, in their pajamas waiting for me to tuck them in, and I got so frustrated that I wasn't there. But I couldn't be there. We're not a family anymore. And as much as I am at peace with that fact, I'm not OK with feeling scared and out of control. I got in my car, locked the doors, and cried. I still had just under an hour before it was "my turn" with the kids, so I drove around until I could brush myself off and dry my tears. I tried really hard not to look at the couples and young families in my neighborhood taking their evening walk as I approached my house. 

That night, and pretty much every night thereafter, I experience a sense of panic every time I check the locks, turn off the lights, and set the alarm. I am the "grown up" in the house now -- the only one my girls look to for safety. I've noticed that the oldest clings to me more at night and talks more about "bad guys hiding in closets" and "faces coming through the walls." I'm sure what she wants to say is that she felt safer when her dad was here to protect her. And while I can't honestly say he did a great job at that (I can't tell you how many times I set the alarm, shut the garage door, or locked the doors after he forgot) I can empathize with her in that "dads protect the family." I can't say for sure she feels as confident in my "bad guy" fighting abilities. When she was little, I filled a squirt bottle with water and wrote "Scared Spray" on it. Each night, before we said our prayers, we would spray under the bed, around the window, and in the closet--just in case. Man, I wish that stuff really worked. I could certainly use it.

Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared about a lot of things -- my girls' future, financial security, if we'll be able to sell this house for the right price and find a great new one, how all of this will wind up affecting my girls, about our health and safety when I'm flying solo, and also for me -- my future. I definitely give it all to God, but I'm only human. The doubts and fears inevitably creep in.

After all, this is a world designed for couples. While I feel OK having lunch out alone reading a magazine sitting at the bar, I simply cannot bring myself to dine out a restaurant alone in the evening or on weekends. Friends say to give it a try, but I just can't. Suddenly, concerts, exhibits, shows, and events are no longer options. Even if I didn't always like my "date by marriage" to these events, as least I had someone to go with me. Because of the fears and pressures of being alone, it's like my world has suddenly become much, much smaller. I think of vacations I'd like to plan and eventually take. And, yes, I could take my sister or a friend--and I'm sure I will--but rather than make concrete plans, I just think, "maybe some day." That's new for me, too.

One of the hardest aspects of single life that I have faced is school activities. Now this is something that is undeniably crafted for families. My oldest daughter's "family picnic" is coming up. Because we went last year, I know what to expect--FAMILIES eating Outback hamburgers together on blankets, talking to neighbors and friends while games and music go on in the background. I can pretend all day that my daughter won't notice that we're a family of 3 instead of 4, but she'll know. She'll remember last year. We could put on a brave front and all go together anyway, which is plausible, but also very confusing to the kids at this stage of the divorce. The other option is just to not go. But she'll know about it. She'll hear about it at school all month, as the build-up to the big event escalates. And really, I have no one to blame for my anger and frustration over the matter except for myself. She didn't ask for this. She didn't do this. We did.

Also in this new life, I have noticed how difficult the tiniest tasks can become. For instance, I've had a smoke detector beeping for weeks now. It drives me crazy. But the truth is, I have one not-so-tall ladder, and did I mention I'm short? So even when I climb on the ladder, I can't reach the smoke detector to change the battery. Tonight, I couldn't take the beep, beep, beep any longer. So I go out to the garage, drag in the ladder, and then place a step stool on top of the ladder. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and attempted my circus act. Damnit! I get all the way up there, balance myself....and I forgot the battery. I almost fell of the ladder climbing back down, retrieved the battery, and went for it. The good news is: I did it! The bad news is, I hated every second of it. A notice comes in the mail from the HOA saying I need more sod in the yard. Twenty phone calls later and a check to a manual laborer, and I have it. Not easy or cheap, but done. The pool has been green for a week. I actually had to ask the ex for help on this one. He obliged, thankfully, but it still doesn't look right. And on an even smaller scale, I slipped on one of my favorite dresses this week for work, but I couldn't zip the zipper in the back. The kids were already gone to school. Try as I might (I even tried scissors and a fork) I couldn't zip it up in the back. Tearfully, I took the dress off and hung it back up. So now I have to be married, apparently, to wear one of my favorite dresses. Fabulous.

I would be remiss if I didn't also include the fact about the chopped up social life. You see, when you are married or part of a couple, you get an insta-social life--his friends, your friends, your kids' friends. You go to couples' parties, dinner parties, out to eat, to the theater....or you host your own parties--which we often did. It is a painfully obvious fact that my weekend nights are wide open for the first time in a very long time. Now mind you, I enjoy being at home and curling up with a good book or movie...playing with the kids....that's just me. But I am just now at the stage where I'm starting to miss some people from "my old life" -- friends who are still friends in a sense, but are keeping their distance because everyone has to "choose sides" when a couple in the crowd divorces. It's a fact life life. Sunday school classes--they're either for young singles, young couples, or seniors. How about the divorced 30-something with kids? Where's that class? I can't get comfortable there, either.

One of my favorite hobbies is renovating my house. Whether it's a small project or a huge knock-down-the-wall remodel, I have always had some sort of project going on and some contractor in and out of the house. Well, no more. Not only does my new budget not allow for this sort of thing, it also seems rather pointless. No one is coming over. I'm not hosting any sort of social gathering. My kids don't care if the countertops are changed. And, truthfully, I won't be living here in a year. So I miss that, too -- antiquing, trips to Home Depot, accessories shopping. I used to save every home decor catalogue I received in the mail and would turn down the pages to my favorite items. Now, I just toss them in the trash. No need. They're for couples who are creating a home together.

And last, but certainly not least, there's the quiet. Because I was alone even in my marriage, the quiet in the house isn't really all that new. It's hard to describe the feeling. When the kids are in bed at night, or they are gone with their father, there is a certain stillness....lonlieness maybe? I haven't been able to identify it yet. I feel it in the evening before I go to bed, and I also feel it around 6 p.m. when it's time for dinner. There's no need to cook anymore--it's just me and the kids' have their own requests that call for little more than a microwave. My three-year-old certainly isn't going to ask about my day. Homework is the priority at this hour, along with bath time, stories, and extra hugs. Maybe the stillness is the big question mark that looms when you're single: Will it always be this way? Once the kids are gone, are the hugs gone for good, too? What's going to happen to me? Are we going to be OK? In my heart, I know my girls will be fine, but I haven't answered the question for myself yet.

Funny, all of the fears simply because of the absence of one person who really wasn't ever "here" nyway. It just goes to show that the very reason we came to this place--the illusion of a safe family--has even tricked us after the death of the marriage. It was an illusion then, but we held on to a false sense of security. And now that illusion has been exposed, I have a different vantage point from which to view this big new world. Everywhere I turn is a table for two. I don't buy into the "there's someone for everyone" or else there wouldn't be so many lonely people in the world. Even a trip to the grocery store is depressing. You think of recipes you like or see things that sound good, but there would be a huge amount of food leftover--pointless. You look in your grocery cart and you have turkey, wheat bread, Diet Coke, and a bottle of red wine for yourself and everything else is for the kids. Yep, even grocery shopping is set up for pairs. I'm too old to "go to clubs" to meet people--sounds awful--but I'm too young to settle and give in just to have someone to share a burial plot with. And apparently, I'm one person short of getting any sort of buy one ticket, get one half price promotion too.

So the view from here....it's interesting. I can see why people miserable in their relationships crave it--the freedom, the quiet, and the possibility--but I can also see how those who have been single for some time can't stand it one more minute--the freedom, the quiet, and the possibility that this is it for them.

I bet you're waiting for some sort of "Sex in the City" style wrap-up where I figure out life's problems in 30 minutes with no commercial breaks. Sorry to disappoint, as I haven't the slightest clue how I'm going to navigate this new life. About the only thing I know for sure now is that I'm glad my dog got sprung from puppy rehab and that my roommates, ages 6 3/4 and 2 3/4, are upstairs (sleeping like little angels) because they love me, single....not single....happy....sad....zipped or unzipped. And they never complained about the smoke alarm beeping for two weeks. Not even once.

Yep, I'm a lucky single girl indeed.