Another one from last year, rerun

I AM OK
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

Thank you so much for checking on me. I'm OK.

I really am....OK that is. Not great. Not awful. Just....OK.

I alternate between moments of confidence and, honestly, joy and relief......and then I feel like I can't take one more step. Remembering to breathe is hard. I doubt everything I do, from which brand of toothpaste to buy to making this insanely huge choice. The sheer number of emotions I go through on a daily basis is higher than I can even count. All at once, I can feel like a successful person who is brilliantly marching to the other side.....to a complete failure who is ruining her daughter's lives and voluntarily throwing away everything I've worked so hard to achieve. 

When I was a little girl -- maybe around 10 -- I created a "dream book." That's exactly what it was -- all of my dreams, collected, and displayed. Whenever I felt frustrated about not having something I wanted, embarrassed, or awkward, I would pull out or add to my dream book. It was a blue binder. In it, I pasted magazine pictures that spoke to me in some way. For instance, one page was "my dream house," or, "my dream kitchen." I remember "dream bathroom." I think I had a dream wedding dress and, funny enough, a dream husband. I think it was a picture of a clean-cut, all-American guy dreamily smiling at his new bride--the picture of perfection. The book contained pictures of successful women in suits, brief cases in hand. Cars. I hand-wrote notes to the side to remind me why I liked what I saw or how I could even make it better. I was determined to blow straight through that tiny, dead-end town to make every dream come true. The book was a blueprint. I knew even then that I had to live my life by design. No one was going to hand it to me. I had to know what I wanted and go get it. But the difference between me and your average gold-digger is that I wanted to earn it, not just marry into it.

From the time I had my first "real" boyfriend, til now.....I have had such a huge capacity to love. When I give my heart, I literally hand it over and entrust that person with it. It's a fatal flaw, to be sure. Every time, I have hoped and prayed to get the same in return. Whether I had no money or a lot of money, I made sure the person I was with lived a life as close to the "dream book" as possible. It was tough the first go-around--no money, abuse, addictions.....it was a disaster from day one. I needed a hell lot more than a homemade book to keep that one together. The second marriage was a band-aid for the first. I was using it to clean up my mess. Love or not, I was going to bring that dream book to life. If I could have built a white picket fence myself I would have. I was determined to get what I had always wanted.

And on the outside, I did. As I was rummaging around for the video camera, I came across a box of Christmas cards I ordered a few months ago. They were nice cards and a great deal. Plus it crossed one thing off my list. All four of our names are on that card......a reminder that sometimes dreams just don't come true. I just shoved the box back in the cabinet. No tears. No anger. Just disappointment. You know, you can have a beautiful home with four warm bodies all co-habitating inside. You cand send out the most beautiful Christmas cards showcasing your expensive family vacation (you know, everyone in white on the beach). You can all go out to eat after church, dressed in your Sunday best and arriving in your Mercedes. You can invite all of your friends over every month and serve brie and crackers on your best Waterford or Nambe dishes......letting the wine and champagne flow freely while you exchange stories about work, vacations, birthday parties, great sales, and business....all while the kids play with the excess of toys throughout the house. Trick or treating with the neighbors....dinners at the newest restaurants with friends where the tab isn't an issue....trying to decide where to take your annual trip for two and your annual family vacation.....you can do all of this over and over again. Every year. And yes, it looks and sounds great. It is, in fact, a dream life. That is, until you realize that all the money, status, and stuff in the world can't fill your heart....your soul. The dream book is just that -- a book. When there's no "love glue" to keep it all together, then it's just not worth it anymore.

When your spouse honestly thinks "my wife just doesn't like sex" so continues on with what he needs without giving her a second thought, this stuff doesn't mean much. When addictions mess up priorities, vacations don't matter anymore. When your spouse finds you crying in the fetal position in the closet after a fight and just stares at you or asks, "what now?"....somehow you just don't feel like walking hand in hand watching the kids trick or treating. When one person carries the entire relationship on an emotional and business level--and the other person knows this and just lets it happen, just letting her crumble into nothing....well, it's no wonder she doesn't want to kiss you anymore. When she feels like the kids you made together are "her's" and that are here just to "help out" don't be surprised when she says she doesn't feel like a family. Emotionally bankrupt -- there is just no way actual dollars can built that account back up again. Not for someone with so much love to give, anyway.

Each night, as I straighten up the house after my daughters are in bed, I pass by photos, decorations, antiques.....all reminders of a life that I wanted more than I could stand sometimes. I guess I wanted it so bad that I just closed my eyes, took a breath, and hoped against hope that he would one day "get it." I hoped that my desire to have a "dream" would be enough for both of us. I hoped that he would love me so much and so unconditionally that if I just wanted to stay home and raise my babies for awhile, I could, without feeling any guilt for it. I wanted him to actually want to get up at night with the babies, just to get to know them and also to let me sleep.....so proud of me for creating and bringing these two precious lives into the world. Instead, I spent months on the couch, careful not to disturb his precious slumber. Bottle after bottle, diaper change after diaper change, crib training, well visits, sick visits......does he know what he's missing, I would wonder. When I would pull him to me to dance and he wouldn't, I would again ask -- does he know what he's missing? As the years passed and I turned cold to where any intimacy was definitely and obviously just another chore on my to-do list, I was amazed this didn't bother him. Anyone who could go through life with absolutely no emotional connection.....well, it actually scared me. When his needs were met in all areas, we were fine. When he didn't get his way, even in the smallest way, the universe just wasn't right. So I did whatever I had to do to make it right. I mean, if I didn't have sanity at the least....then I had nothing.

This week my therapist said something that really stood out. It's not that he can't be married to me; he really can't be married to anyone. Does he care? Yes. Does he love me? Certainly. Does he want a family? More than anything. But that's as far as it goes....wanting. He can't see past the end of his nose. He can't see outside of himself and his needs far enough or long enough to care about someone else's feelings enough to actually do something about it. The one thing I've asked him to do from the beginning is the one thing he refuses to do. I think it's because it takes too much work. It would be extremely uncomfortalbe and awkward for him. It would change his life as he knows it. It's too late now for it to save us.....but he should still do it, to save himself and for his daughters.

I think back to most of my relationships and I see a common thread....I have always been willing to give everything....all of myself for someone I love. I am dedicated to the "dream." However, in every single relationship, there has been something he couldn't sacrifice or give up--something that was slowly but surely destroying our relationship and my trust and faith....and ultimately....love for him. Whether this thing was something or someone, for whatever reason, I wasn't enough. Even if he said I was, his actions proved otherwise. It's no wonder my self esteem is so low when it comes to relationships--I've never been "it." It's always been made very clear to me, even in marriage, that other things....people....whatever....come before me. Strangely, I've accepted this. I loved them anyway....I kept pursuing the dream anyway. Love, honor, and cherish. Those are powerful words. I've felt each of them here and there but I have always wanted to feel them all at once -- not hear them, but feel them. Now that I think about it, my dream really doesn't have anything to do with granite or paint....it has everything to do with those words. Because when you have that, everything falls into place as it should. I know this is true because I've seen it work in other people's lives. Right now one of my dear friends' mother is dying. She has been married to the same man for more than 30 years. Each night, he curls up on the hospital sofa next to her....only leaving to shower and grab something to eat. More than anything else, they have always been "there" for each other.....nothing else ever got in the way. They were each other's priority, and thusly, everything else fell into place. There love was the "glue" that kept everything going....everything together.....good times and bad. That's the dream--full confidence and trust that until your dying day, the person you love and that are committed to is simply....there.

So.......as I have journeyed through this new chapter in my life I have grown and learned some valuable lessons. One is that my dream, although nice, was a little off track. Everything I wanted was valid, but none of it matters unless you are building and sharing it with someone who gives what you give.....and that what you give is done in a way that matters to and speaks to the other person.....what's right for you might not be right for the other. It's that seeing past the end of your nose thing again........ I have also learned that unless you have the right emotional connection--the love glue--nothing else is going to stick. Period. I have learned that people matter a hell of a lot more than stuff. I have learned that I can no longer use someone else as the "band aid" for what is broken in my life due to the relationship that can before him. One relationship doesn't "fix" the other. I have learned that the next time around, I want to be more than an "idea" for someone. I want to be "it." I want to feel what I give. I'm not going to hope against hope ever again that "surely he'll come around." He either does or he doesn't. If I have to wait around for someone to realize they can't live without me, then truth is, they can. It's a painful truth, but it's one I have to face head on if I'm ever going to go through another relationship again.

I've also learned that I'm more sad than I thought I would be. This is a loss. Not only have I lost companionship, I've lost the dream. The hopes I've had for him since the day I met him never came to fruition. Facing that is hard, especially since we share children. At the heart of it, we've always been friends. It's sad to divorce your friend. It's scary as hell to jeapordize security. Truth is, we never truly are secure--anything can happen at any given time to wipe it all away. But still, the notion that you are financially in a good place and have worked hard and planned well.......to just give that up all in the pursuit of happiness.....it's scary. It feels self-indulgent at times. My heart breaks every day for my daughters -- my babies. They are the reason I was put on this earth--I know that. This is why I can never say this marriage was a complete mistake. I wanted to give them the dream, too. I measure success in their happiness, and this is a permanent wound that I gave them.....a constant piece of sadness they'll take with them forever. I did this. I choose this. Granted, I was forced to do so on so many levels.....but I hope they know one day that they deserve a healthy, happy mom.....and this is the only way they'd really get one. It's so hard, right now, parenting (for the most part) alone. I'm worn out from the emotional strain of the divorce.....and from the physical exhaustion of getting it all done. I feel like apologizing every second of the day. Sometimes, I just want to cry.....Sometimes, I just want to sleep, even in the middle of the day.

But something keeps me from doing all of that. This inner voice.....she's always been there, since I was a little girl. Maybe my idea of a dream life was a bit off as I was making that book, but at the heart of it was just a girl who always wanted to be happy and in love....secure....safe......somewhere where she always could count on having a soft place to land. I feel like I've been looking for this place my whole life. I get close, but then for whatever reason, I am reminded why even though I see the place, I better fall into with caution because it could be ripped right out from under me at any given time. Even though part of me wants to give up, simply because I'm so tired and disillusioned......I know that if were to go back, I would drown. I would be gone. My shell would be there, but that's about it. But I'm scared as hell to go forward. The unknown is terrifying. Being alone is frightening. Will anyone ever be curled up on the sofa next to my hospital bed trying to hang on to every last moment with me? Can I do this? Am I setting myself up to fail yet once again?

These are the times I forget to breathe. These are the times I panic and wonder what in the hell I'm thinking........

And then I regroup. I press on......the years have passed but the dream remains.....

This is when I breathe. I read. I sleep. I pray. I remember.........

I remember that I'm OK. And that I'm going to be OK.

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.