So far......
Current mood: scared

So far, I've noticed that....

It's weird to grocery shop. There is no need to plan a weekly menu anymore. My kids eat the same five things over and over, and I never really care what I have for dinner when I'm alone (are olives dinner?) so I find myself randomly roaming down aisiles I used to shop regularly thinking, "wait, I don't need to buy that." A perfect example, my soon-to-be-ex spouse loves fruit. I stocked up on it every week. I'm not a big fruit eater. I passed by the fruit section twice, feeling quite strange that I had no need to dig around for the best Pink Lady apples.

It's weird to lock up at night. Even though we always shared this duty, I get a twinge of panic whenever I lock all of the doors and set the alarm. I realize that I am solely responsible, now, for these two precious little lives.....are we safe? As I crawl into bed, I have to banish the thoughts of would-be robbers, rapists, or whatever. Then my mind drifts to fire. The girls are upstairs; I'm downstairs...... I would have to save them on my own. My heart starts to beat fast and then every thing awful that could possibly happen runs through my head. I have to force myself to read something or watch television to shift mental gears.

It's weird to have everything so neat....and so quiet. He never believed me that the noise and mess in the house was primarily his. Now I can prove that to be true. The house has stayed relatively in tact. The bathroom? Spotless. The bedroom? Nice and neat. Kitchen's always clean. I don't have three televisions blaring or guitar amps vibrating the floors and walls. I have to say.....I like it.

Space. We have a King size bed. Kind of a necessity, in that my soon-to-be-ex spouse is a rather large guy. It's just me and a four-pound Yorkie now. I realized last night that I don't have to scoot all the way over to the corner anymore--no risk of someone trying to get any. I'm free to flop around in any ol way. I like that, too. Strange though, the habit is still to crawl in--and stay--on "my side."

Food. It's no wonder people gain weight when they become part of a couple. Eating is a central part of a relationship, whether you're dating or married. Now that I'm neither--in spirit at least--my food intake is next to nothing. It doesn't bother me at all. Still, as I pull chicken nuggets out of the freezer for my girls, I can't help but to see and think about the steak, chicken, and such that just sits there....meals meant to be cooked and served for two.....that will probably never see the light of day.

Planning. I know I won't live in this house forever--I'll be lucky if it can be afforded for a year. However, I already find myself making a mental plan of how to "de-guy" the place. This office was technically his--now it will be a writer's haven. I am about to inherit an entire walk-in master closet...oh the possibilities! At the same time, my heart experiences a little tug when I walk past furniture that I know he'll claim. There will be empty spaces--obvious scars that tell the story of a wounded relationship. I have decided, however, to give him the mattress. Enough said.

Aware. I'm so aware of things I never thought twice about. I'll drive by a nice restaurant, or one of my favorite stores and think to myself, "I'll probably never eat there/shop there again." I am realistic in knowing that I won't be able to afford those places anymore. Plus, who would I go with anyway? I would be lying if I said I'm not going to miss--even just a little bit--the lifestyle I enjoy now. It's worth it, but buying Coach sunglasses or a Coach wallet on an average Saturday--over. Breezing into Steve Fields, Kirby's Sullivan's, Cru--whatever--without even looking at the prices on the menu--done. Shopping just because--history. As all of my married friends embark on their annual summer vacations--Italy, Destin, Florida, etc.--I am painfully reminded that one of my favorite things in the world--travel--will become a distant memory. I'll never be able to afford to take my girls to DisneyWorld first class like I've done in the past. Yearly summer vacations to Mexico or the Carribean--at least I can say I've been, right? We flew first-class to Hawaii once--champagne, warm nuts, hot towels, and great flicks the whole way....yeah right. I don't really see that in my future.

I'd also like to say that I've missed the companionship. But that would be a lie. We never really had it anyway. We enjoyed separate activities on the weekends. We did our own girls and guys nights out quite frequently. I went to church alone most of the time. I handled 90 percent of the kids' activities, etc. Even at home, we'd watch different television shows in different rooms. I would cook dinner, and he'd eat it in the living room in front of the television. I would always eat at the table--just because....well, I wanted to. And then I'd clean up while he relaxed. And then I'd put the kids to bed. And then I'd usually work as he played guitar, drank wine, or ran through all of "his" recorded shows. I remember a few times--a long time ago--we'd go on family walks. I have a faint memory of sort of liking him then--liking being a family unit. That was so long ago that the memory is sketchy at best. Funny how a walk puts more skip in my step than the most expensive night on the town. I'm really simple. Too bad he--or anyone else--has never seen that.

On the topic of walking, as I was driving home this evening while he was giving the girls a bath and spending time with them....I passed by our neighborhood park. Kids were playing. Moms pushing swings. Dads coaching soccer. SUVs crowded the parking lot. I realized that I could have that if I wanted it. All it would take is "OK, one more chance." But I've given this chance after chance--nothing changes. This relationship is the quintessential example of "too little, too late." I saw a couple, probably in their 40s, walking the jogging trail around the park. They were walking hand in hand, obviously talking about their day. She was smiling....he was laughing. Will that ever be me? Will I ever get there? Will someone care enough about my day to want to take a break from everything to take a walk with me, ask me questions about me and my day......Will a relationship ever be so good that it's just natural to want to hold hands? A married couple--friends--at work don't leave the house without a kiss, hug, and i love you's. In fact, they don't go to sleep without it either -- ever. They send each other reminders in the day--text, emails, sweet phone calls, vm's, whatever--so that they each know they are in each other's thoughts and loved. The wife, my friend, calls it "all day foreplay." I love that. I guess if I never experience it.....well, at least I know someone out there is. I guess for now that will have to do.

Peace. I can't wait for the day until I come home with my girls and we are settled in to our "new normal." When I can lock the door and know that the three of us are together inside.....and anything else that happens in my life is my choice. I have a long way to go to get to the other side, but I can honestly say I'm hopeful. I keep thinking about how much time I've wasted....how I'm too old to "date" or get a life outside of my kids. Maybe it's true. I guess time will tell. I guess instead, I should focus on the lessons I've learned--what type of guys to stay away from, to recognize my weaknesses and overcome them, to never be second place again....and most of all to realize that without the life I led the past nine years, I wouldn't have the job of my dreams or the two best things that ever happened to me--Kate and Olivia. I wouldn't have some of the greatest friends I've ever known.....or had the fun experiences I've had. God gave me those gifts, and I treasure them.

Pain and regret reminds us that we are alive--that we have lived. They are the best teachers.....I hope I've, finally, learned. The special people in my life who are supporting me--who I could never do this without--keep telling me how great things are on the horizon for me. I sure hope so. I could stand something great about now. I don't believe in happily ever after.....but I believe in happy. I look forward to getting there.