When traveling recently, I found myself listening in on other people's cell phone conversations.  I'm a reporter, so yes I'm nosy. Get over it.

 

Most of the conversations were business related. Everyone was so intense and so caught up in whatever it was they were discussing with such intense focus, like their issue was the only thing in the world that mattered. Everyone was going so fast and so lost in themselves and wrapped up so tightly in their own little world. We were all just running. But running where? Won't "it" still be there when we arrive? Afterall, ultimately, we're all headed the same direction. Face it, we're all going to die. It's a given. The scowls on our faces, our daily dramas, and woe is me victim attitudes are almost laughable when you think about it. The world...the universe...is so big. Each of us is just one tiny piece of it yet we all seem to think it revolves around us and our problems. Surely everyone is out to get us, right? Surely everyone is watching me, right? Here's a hint -- no, not really. And if they are, it's a fleeting moment that won't even matter in five minutes because they're onto the next thing in their own self-absorbed world.

 

 I thought of this on a recent night out as well. People are just snobs. Posers. No matter what we wear, what we drive, or where we hang out, ultimately we're all human and created the same. Again, we're all headed the same direction and none of our monetary or social status achievements are going to change the final outcome. You know, you can spend all the money in the world on looking better and looking younger. But you're not. You can try like hell to bring back your youth by partying like you once did, but the next day the party is over and all you really are is tired as hell and hungover. You can go out to bar after bar on Saturday night making sure all the right people see you and so you can collect yet another story about where you went and what you did to make yourself feel like you fit in, but on Sunday no one who was at that bar is thinking about you. What did you achieve, really? Except a hefty bar tab, a headache, and hair that now smells like a pack of Marlboro Lights. Standing the valet line, a guy described his car to the valet. He looks at me and says "it's really a lot cooler car than it sounds like." I started to do my polite, southern "oh goodness" gig but instead I just looked at him like he had two heads because really, that's what he deserved. I didn't and still don't give a shit what he drives. And if I did, I'd be ashamed of myself.

 

I started questioning why we do the things we do, and I'm guilty of doing these questionable things as well. Why do we worry so much about what others think? Why does it matter to us that people think we're younger than we are or that we have more than we do? Who is behind the curtain making up these rules? I started thinking about some of the decisions I make, and I realized so much of those decisions are for others -- usually people I don't even know. In this blog, I've written pages about what I'll be thinking about toward the end of my life should I live long enough to be able to reflect on everything. My greatest fear has been to have regrets about the way I lived or the choices I made. And also, to be alone. I was driving home last night and I realized that the quickest way to have regrets and die alone is to pursue a shallow life. Sure, living life in the shallow end is somewhat safe--you're not really taking risks. It's like being at a resort pool, just lounging around in the shallow end with your make up on, hair down, and maintaining a strategic pose so that your flaws are hidden and assets exposed--giving the appearance that you're calm and relaxed when really your working like hell to appear as both. Yes, you're in the water, soaking up the sun but it's not the same as diving in, swimming, or running along the beach going for it. There's nothing wrong with either scenario but when you go home, what makes a better memory? "I was able to look good for complete strangers for 15 minutes in the shallow end of the waterfall pool" or "I played in the waves with my boyfriend, laughing out loud until we fell on the sand and then made out like teenagers, not even caring who saw us."

 

This has been the year of plastic surgery consultations, regular microdermabrasions, Dr. Ted diets, and much mirror time checking out every flaw and wrinkle as I cursed time. What's the saying....time marches on, right across my face? I believe it. Being single makes it even harder. I'm up against tough competition. If girls aren't young then they're spending every last dime trying to look like they are. But is this a game I want to play? Is it enjoyable? Not really. What's the shame in being a 36 year old working mom? Because that's who I am, and it quite frankly is an honor. In the end, am I trying to be the hottest chick buried at the cemetery? Will we all compare how well are breast implants have held up when we're in Heaven? Does the girl who dies with the most Botox win? In our quest to play games with the opposite sex and run from commitment or to continue to pass up opportunities in pursuit of "someone better," are we basically cementing our fate to wind up all alone? Have we forgotten that we don't get this time back?  There are no "do overs." Do we really think that when we're old and our life is all but said and done we'll be more proud of the deals we closed at work, the stuff we've collected in our homes, and all the labels we've worn than the relationships we've pursued and nurtured? In that porch swing, do I want to reach over and hold his hand or reach over and pat my Louis Vuitton? Is it better for him to look back at all the girls he had or could have had or look over and see the girl who has been by his side and loved him all along?

 

I think of nights out that mean something...nights I remember that I look back on with fondness rather than regret. They're spent with good, real friends. Most of the time it didn't really matter where we were. The one common thread is that in each of these moments, I was experiencing life and enjoying the people in my life. I was enjoying the journey rather than rushing to a destination. I need to invite more of those opportunities in my life and say no to invitations that obviously lead me in the direction of the shallow end.

 

And speaking of all this, here I am writing this blog about really nothing special when there are two something very specials who I can play with, take out for Mexican food, and get ready for school tomorrow. And there's a really special job I'm blessed to have I can prepare for. There's a brand new home I should be proud of I can straighten up and fill with the sounds and aromas of Christmas. There are Christmas cards I can address and send to my precious friends and family. There are songs to turn up to full blast so I can have an impromptu dance party with my daughters as we all fall to the ground, dizzy with laughter. And tonight when I take off my make up, I am going to try really hard to not be critical of the girl I see looking back. She needs to give herself a break. She's doing the best she can.