I have this weird, nagging guilt because I haven't blogged for awhile. I have ideas for blogs, but then I never really get around to posting them. I think that lately I've just been uninspired. I could write pages about my kids, but no one really wants to read about that. I could write pages about the trials and tribulations of marriage, but people seem to misinterpret and think all I do is complain. Actually, I am just venting--blowing off steam. Like most married couples, there is a little bit of yuck but a whole lot of yum in my marriage. Writing about the frustrations is a release so I can get get back to the yum. Yes, I am appreciative of my life, my marriage, and my family.......but I"m also human and have down days. Sure he disappoints me. Sure we fight. We're a regular couple going through everyday life. So there.

 

On that topic, I did meet with the trainer that hubby "recommended" to me. No matter what he says, to me, "Honey you should see my trainer" means "Honey you are fat." Anyway, he kind of reminds me of Opie (sp?) -- kind of red-headed kid. He's certainly not intimidating. However, something tells me he doesn't know a lot about the weird things that happen to a woman's body after she's given birth to two children. Sure you can get back in shape but a nip and tuck is probably the only solution for some areas. We shall see, I suppose, in that my first consultation with him is on Monday. I guess I can hear the ugly truth about my body fat percentage, weight, and what I need to do to look like Denise Richards, in that she is my age with two children and doesn't seem to have near the "issues" that I have. I hate working out. I love the feeling afterward but I hate everything leading up to it. I am trying to have an open mind about it, and hubby swears he will help out more so that I can spend some time with the trainer and go the gym a few times a week. So whenever I am mistaken for Denise on the streets, I'll be sure to let you know.

 

One thing I know Denise and I have in common, I'll bet, is cute shoes! Oh my goodness. Have I ever been on a shoe kick (ha, ha...get it) lately! I had about $250 in mall money I had been saving back for a perfect pair of fall boots. Well, I found them at Charles David, but they were almost $500. There was another pair at Nordstrom for just $150. Both were great. I realized though that the feature I loved most about the expensive ones--the buckles along the side--would always be covered by my pants and skirts.....so I opted for the less expensive ones and have money leftover to spend on something else. Then yesterday at lunch I popped into the land of glory, also known as DSW, and found a little slice of shoe heaven as well. Another pair of tall black boots, cute brown heels, and a new pair of Skechers for the weekends later...... I was off. Whew! Just last month I bought two pairs of shoes at Nordstrom....... yeah, I know..... "Hello, my name is Jennifer and I'm a Shoeholic." I swear though, I'm kicking the habit (ha, ha..... I'm full of them today....)

 

The countdown to fun times has begun. Just under three weeks for the girls getaway spa weekend. Yes! And then about five more weeks until hubby and I go to the wine country. Can't wait for both. We are finally turning the corner to my very favorite time of year--fall. I never liked Halloween until I had kids. I ordered Kate's costume yesterday. Our neighborhood is so fun at Halloween, and this will be Liv's first year to really get into it. And then we turn around and it's November--the start of the holidays. I'm already excited about Christmas--my favorite. I would put up my tree now if I could! I've already started tabbing pages in catalogues for the girls for gift ideas. Another thing I love about fall is the clothes--yes! Finally, long boot-leg pants, sweaters, boots.......It will be nice to see the general public covered and clothed for a change after a loooonnnngggg summer of everyone letting it all hang out, so to speak. Blech.

 

Lets see....what else....... bloggers missing in action. I have "lost" Michaela and Amanda..... helloooooo? I miss Dar the RN so much. She's moved on to another Blog Land, but I wish she'd come back to MSN. I guess I need to rearrange and update my blog buddies list, but it's been pretty much the same for a year. I started this blog about a year ago, in October. I can't believe it. Keith and Kenny were my inspiration for getting it going and the reasons I "met" so many cool people. I consider both dear friends and I believe they are changing the world one word at a time. I really did meet one blog dork and we have become good friends--Tina. We have a lunch date every few months. Dar got me started off with an email and helped me out when I was struggling with the loss of my Papa a year ago. Along the way I've had fun trading stories with Miss D, Davina, and getting to know Billy. Ronna and I have shared teeth alignment woes! Sean and Chris have made me laugh until my sides hurt. Cori is hilarious too and helped me out with a great gift for hubby. It's been an absolute pleasure and joy to witness her relationship with Keith. And then there's Lana...... I just adore her. She is so incredibly talented and funny. She is definitely on the verge of some of life's greatest gifts. Oh, and Mandy. Even though I can't access her blog anymore--boo--she had me laughing almost daily. I envy her sun-soaked life in CA....and her hair! :) Kenny's Jenny, Tricia, Toni, Lisa Marie, NJaney the Rock Star........ and then of course The Big Trench himself. He tells it like it is every time, and I love that about him. MT Cutie is an inspiration for the rest of my life...... It's just been a crazy blogging year. There are so many other blog pals I've made along the way that I haven't mentioned but I'm sure you know who you are! :) Hopefully I'll be inspired to write more like I did in the beginning...... Just lately I've had a case of the blahs. I'm sure I'll get my drive back eventually. In the meantime, I guess you can just be bored with the What I Had for Breakfast entries......or not. Whatev.

 

The weekly spin of dance class, gymnastics, swim class, homework, toddler-land (she is climbing out of the crib)..... plus work..... I'm just spinning, spinning..... So much to do. The house is a wreck after the weekend bash, plus just daily stuff. I just keep walking by the piles of disarray and telling myself I'll get to it later. I wound up driving to Babies R Us at 8:45 on Friday night after Liv kept climbing out of her crib. I woke up Thursday to find her at the top of the stairs--she just said "hi!" with a big smile. She refused to stay in the crib so we tried the mattress on the floor with a gate. She basically trashed the place and played all night. We found her in the closet. She's too young to understand the concept of a big girl bed. So I made a mad dash to BR Us and bought one of those crib tents. $70 later and yet another pain-in-the-arse assembly (why is every kid thing so impossible to put together?) she is now "caged" in. The dome net zips up and she can't get out, nor can she throw anything out --like her blanket--so that's a bonus. We just zip her up in it when she sleeps. I refuse to release my "downtime" during her naps. If that means $70 then it's money well-spent. I thought she'd hate it but she doesn't, and it's so much safer for her. Sorry, Liv...... you thought you were smart, but on Friday night, you met Mrs. Smarter. :) Then we had the party on Saturday which was fun, but it's always tough to prepare for and then break down. Hubby made me really mad that night but it's a topic I am refusing to let myself think about for more than five minutes.... I get too mad. But...... the point of all of this is that there is just so much going on that I just feel like I bounce around from place to place, activity to activity........ no wonder I don't have time to blog anything worthwhile!

 

OK, I guess it's time to get to work. I have a case of the blahs there too. Whenever I'm not slammed at work I get a little depressed. I know that sounds strange, but I thrive on deadlines and being crazy busy. I think I'm going to start contributing to another one of our publications soon, which will be cool. We have some fun events coming up, and I do have some big things on the horizon. I guess I should be thankful for the downtime........ Topic switch: Is it Friday yet? Is it just me or is the week really dragging? We rented a margarita machine for a party at the house this weekend. Too bad we couldn't keep for mid-week indulgences. I could probably use a boost today. I am having lunch at a great restaurant though--so I have that to look forward to. Yep, I'm rambling. That's a sign that it's time to close this weird, nonsensical entry. If you are confused and as lost as I am after reading this whole thing, then I guess the only thing left to say is "Welcome to my world!"

 

Cheers.

 

 

If I had a nickel for every time I hear a couple say, "We don't need a little piece of paper to say we're married. We're married in our hearts."

 

You know what you are? Committed. And that's great. You know why that's great? Because you're smart. Outside of a tax break and raising kids in a manner that gets society's approval, you, dear couple, have an out. If things don't work out, you split up your CDs, pack your suitcase, and go. Sure there are broken hearts; but no broken home.

 

Marriage. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a beautiful thing on so many levels. It starts out beautiful with a wedding. The early days are filled with romance and excitement. The Golden Years are spent caretaking and continuing a level of respect for a reationship that has weathered the storm of life. The in-between years are a roller coaster of emotion. In many ways, marriage is a tortue of sorts. Just when you think you're on a roll and you get each other, you hit a bump in the road that makes you wonder why you ever said I do. Then the dust clears, and you're back on track. Months down the road, you're slamming doors and kitchen cabinets and "falling asleep" on the couch after watching t.v. all night, when you both know that you just couldn't bear to be in the same bed after such a horrid fight.

 

My newly married friends think that my being a mother must be the hardest thing ever. They can't imagine how I do it all--work and kids. What I want to tell them, and should tell them, is that marriage is the hardest job on the planet. Being a parent is a rewarding, fulfilling, and often tough job--but it's an unconditional love that you just don't understand until you hold your own child for the first time. Marriage is different -- two different lives, worlds, personalities, and goals all melded together after one ceremony that deems you "husband and wife for eternity." Once, eternity was romantic. After about five years into a marriage, it seems like, well...an enternity.

 

This weekend, when my husband was out of town with my oldest daughter, I got so much done around the house. Chores I've been meaning to do, errands I needed to run.... I even had time to read a People magazine. How is this possible, I wondered. So I have paid attention all week as to why this might happen. First--he's messy. I spend so much time cleaning up after him. Second, I'm not doing anything for him--cooking, helping him find his lost item of the day, and other various needs he seems to have. And then there's talking. Husbands and wives talk -- a lot. Talk is good until you get on the topics of money, disciplining the children, money, work, and oh, did I mention money? (Each other's moms make the list, too). That's when the gloves come out. It starts out civil, then someone inevitably makes a wrong turn. For me, the tears start to flow. He shuts down. I am sad because he shuts down. He tries to make up, and then I feel awkward. It's weird, and wonder how we even got there. He doesn't feel like we're a time; I don't feel like he gets me. He's too business-like; I'm too emotional. He's shallow; I'm sensitive. We've had this finger-pointing discussion for more than seven years.

 

We've been in therapy; we've separated. We almost got divorced. We are in a good place now. We're doing great, our kids are great, and we have a happy marriage. It's just those damn bumps in the road that make you want to throw in the towel some days. Not for good -- but just run away for a bit. I usually want to run to the past--to a time when I was on my own and didn't answer to anyone....when all of my choices were laid out in front of me. Then I get a grip on reality and realize what I come to every time -- he is who he is. He can, has, and will change a little bit. I will recognize it and appreciate it. I will turn the other cheek on minor issues and pick my battles. We'll meet in the middle on most things. We'll go on. We'll continue to build this family and our life together. We said we would seven years ago, and we're committed to it--paper or no paper.

 

Sometimes I wonder why God did this to us? Where in the world did He get this idea that a man and woman could live in harmony outside of passionate moments in the bedroom? We're not wired the same way at all. Nothing fits--at least not for long. I guess it's one of life's great mysteries. It must be the way it's always intended to be because we all do it -- search out our life mate.

 

I've found mine -- bumps in the road and all. But damn it's hard work!

 

Dear Fashion Guru(s)

You know who you are, you little devils you. I know you are in your office, probably somewhere in New York, wearing all black of course, and salivating like a starved bulldog at the thought of Fashion Week as I type this. You can’t wait to shock us with the next trend…the Next Big Thing. You take smoke breaks every hour or so to discuss how brilliant you are—not because you need the nicotine fix and conversation but because you must…MUST….stay twig-thin so that any and all clothing looks good on you. Because what you deem “fashionable” changes as often as Brittney Spears gets knocked up, you must remain a hanger—nothing but a blank shell that designer clothes seem to hug and love. Although I don’t know you by name, I know you are out there. I see your work on the pages of glossy national fashion magazines. Whatever you deem “in,” we follow, no matter how sad and silly we look. Mannequins in store windows are your way of showing the world who is boss. Maybe they are your inspiration to continue eating celery stalks for lunch and a few lettuce leaves for dinner, pausing only to sip a glass of water (with lemon on special occasions.) Sure, we may find you at the local Starbucks on a day when you are feeling especially daring (no whip, of course) but that is just to keep you awake as toil through the night coming up with the next gotta-have-it item to spend our life savings on.

I have played your games for 30-some-odd years, Fashion Guru. I have tried like hell to get my too-round behind in Seven for All Mankind jeans. I’d love to wear a sexy tanktop without a bra. Halter tops -- maybe when I was 25. Problem is, I have curves. I have a realistic body. Fat? Far from it. Big-boned you ask? Nope, petite as can be. However, chances are if the outfit is on a mannequin, it’s not going to look right on me. I spend just as much in alterations as I do the purchase, just to make a pair of jeans or suit look just right. I am short…short, short, short. 5’2 to be exact. I’ve had two kids and have the tell-tale curves to prove it. However, through the years I have been able to adapt to trends and collect a stylish wardrobe that suits my personality, depite you relentless opposition to this.

For once, I thought we would be friends Fashion Guru. And then you went and screwed it all up, damn you.

 It started with the jeans. As I was casually shopping Ann Taylor one day, I noticed a pair of stick-skinny, tapered jeans. Tapered? How do you wear fall boots with tapered jeans I wondered. What about the wide leg that so graciously hid my “trouble areas?” I haven’t seen a pair of tapered jeans since….since….um… THE 80s!

The 80s! EIGHTIES?! You mean, Tears for Fears/Duran Duran/Debbie Gibson/Cosby Show/Valley Girl 80s? Those 80s?

The saleslady, also boasting a realistic figure, sighs and tells me she has been dieting for weeks so she can look good in their next delivery of fall clothes—leggings. Leggings? As in leggins’? Those really tight, God-awful, hideous excuse for pants? Leggings….right. Let me see…. I remember you…. I wore you in SEVENTH FREAKING GRADE with a long, tailed button-down-the-back shirt and flats. Also on tap? Knickers. You read it right-- knickers--with heels or boots. She's heard a rumor about the s word, too. Oh yes...... stirrup pants.

Oh and then there are the flats! The shoes that only look good—and I repeat only—on women 5’9 and taller. Thank the fashion gods heels are still in too, but just barely. Whew! I’ll give you one—yes one—point there for thinking of the vertically challenged you lanky, tall Fashion Guru you.

So then I am walking the mall with my daughters and I see a gaggle of pre-teen girls. They look familiar….like they are trying to connect with an inner-somebody-or-other….who is that again? Oh yes, Madonna? Not cool age 40ish Madonna, but Like a Virgin Madonna. Holy Get Into the Groove and all things True Blue (Baby I Love You), are they serious? Sleeves coming off of one side, oversized rock star-ish belts slung on their hips, tapered jeans, leggings (gasp/gag), huge earrings…… Fashion Guru, you have taken a wrong turn. Now I'm pissed. (Pull out the big bangs and we'll need to take it outside....)

Next up in the mall? T-shirts. Ah, yes, message t’s are all the rage. (My recent favorite? No One Cares About Your Blog), but this one caught my eye…… I Love (Heart) the 80s. Oh really little girl who was born in the mid-90s walking the mall with your bestie? You loved the 80s? Your dad was probably doing a keg stand at some frat party in the 80s while your mom looked on my little pixie-faced friend. And then there are the seventh-grade boys in AC/DC shirts. They wear them because they are “vintage” – not because they know the lyrics to Back in Black by Heart. Posers.

I am heartbroken…heartbroken! Yes, I know fashion is cyclical. It wasn’t long ago we were all trying to look like Marsha, Marsha, Marsha when the 70s fashions were in. How about the 20s? 50s? 60s? But the 80s? I beg you to tell me (while passing a lie detector test) that anything good came out of 80s fashion. Yeah, told ya so. (As I check out my damaged ear lobes, thanks to 3-lb earrings back then.... fluorescent lightning bolts I think they were.) The icing on the cake was a peek at a mannequin in Nordstrom. My toddler threw her snack about a foot away. As I leaned down to retrieve it I see the shoes on the mannequin -- high heels with ruffle ankle socks paired with shorts. Under the shorts? Leggings. Clearly, someone needs a reality check.

 Flashy commercials remind me that “the skinny pant is back.” Oh joy. I have been waiting for a skinny pant! How did you know? I was really hoping you’d give the golden fashion nod to a trend that less than 10 percent of the population can wear. Bravo. Excellent. Can’t wait to see hundreds of them on the clearance rack next spring, genius.

What gets me about this “rock n roll trend” is that it pay homage to a time when rock n roll was hot – but that's just it -- it was rock n roll. back then. Brittney, Christina, and Hillary were all babes in their cribs if even born yet. Rock n roll isn’t hot right now – people are just trying to look like they’re cool and into it. It’s like suburbia is dressing up like Lindsey Lohan or whatever it starlet is doing the “I Swear I Get Out of Bed and Look This Cool” look of the day. It’s as if everyone is walking around in costume.

Just about the time I made peace with the fact that I am going to look so out of style this fall an angel arrived--a real fashion angel! Today, as I am waiting in the lobby for my annual eye exam, I pick up a magazine and flip through. I stop on a Q and A page with one of the senior editors of Lucky magazine. (Lucky is a shopper’s bible of sorts.) She discusses trends, what’s in, what’s out. Then she gets to the 80s. She was as horrified, if not more, as I was that the Fashion Gurusdeemed this trend the darling of Fall 06 fashion. She’s as worried as I am about watching not-so-tiny women squeezing into leggings and worse, forcing us to see things we shouldn’t have to see. And then she says this about the 80s trend, and now, all is right in my world, and my closet will stay just the same as it is at this very moment:

“If you wore leggings in the 1980s, then you shouldn't wear them now.”

Read: If you remember the 80s, leave the clothes on the racks where they belong.

Can I get an Amen? Take that Fashion Guru. I expect more out of you next time, not to mention the fact that my boot-legged jeans can kick your leggings' butt any day of the week.

Love,

Me

The seemingly impossible occurred--I made it through my tough week. I have somewhat coasted through the holiday weekend and this weekend in awe of how simple life is when I'm not producing a mega-issue. Whew! Now I just have to sit back and pray I didn't make any mistakes, well big ones anyway.

 

So, here's what's On My Mind this week:

 

Teeth. No, not mine this time. (Although I am a little frustrated with the progress of my invisalign system at the moment.) I'm talking about my daughter's teeth. She will be missing one soon. Actually, two. Yesterday at breakfast she kept saying, ouch, ouch, ouch every time she chewed. I was getting frustrated with her and told her that she needed to say what hurts so I can help her -- not just yell ouch over and over. She points to her tooth. Let's see....almost six years old, bothersome tooth..... Yep, it was really loose. So I got out a little tooth fairy box I had been saving back and we put it in her back pack. She is going to carry it around with her until the big moment arrives. I sort of hope it happens when I'm around, though..... Kindergarten and first loose tooth all in one month! Wow! Oh, and to top it off, she asks if she gets choices from the tooth fairy. She told me she has a lot dollars in her piggy bank so she was wondering if there were other things on her menu. Give me a break! I was elated to get 50 cents when I was kid. Spoiled much?

 

Birds and the bees. So the big question happened. You know, the where do babies come from question. I figured it would come up eventually. I mean, it's just a part of growing up....wondering that. So I'm working at my computer and my oldest-and-almost-one-tooth-less-daughter comes in and just flops down on the couch and asks, "How did I get here?" I looked at her kind of quizically and was being sort of sarcastic and said, "I'm pretty sure you walked." She said, "NO! I mean, how did I get in the world...in your tummy?" Why is that you know this question is coming, yet you are unprepared for it? It's one thing to discuss the birds and the bees with a teen or pre-teen, but to discuss it with a recent pre-school graduate, well, that's an entirely different situation. I panicked for a minute. She's old enough to know some things....yet definitely NOT old enough to know others...... So I gave her the standard, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other so much and our love created you and God gave you to us. You were a blessing from God." (I know.... I know...) That didn't really fly. She told me that she knows God made all the people but how did he put her in my stomach? She wanted to really know how she literally got inside of my stomach. I told her the babies start out really small -- so small you can barely see them. She persists, "OK, but somehow I had to get in there!" My mind is racing. I feel a little flushed. I try the love creates miracles crap....blah, blah..... And then says, "Well, I guess God just snuck up behind you when you weren't looking and put me in there and then the doctor had to tell you what happened." I took a moment. Paused. Started to explain some more....and then I looked at her face. She was satisfied. And, so was I. Whew! (Of course, later I tell hubby this tale and he says, well, in a way she's right..... perv!)

 

Jealousy. I finally figured out why my baby is frustrated almost all of the time. She throws fits. She cries. She throws tantrums.....always frustrated. It's jealousy. If hubby has her one one one, she's fine. If I have her one on one, she's fine. Throw the oldest into the mix--she is riled up. Throw another child into the ring? Out of her mind. She is territorial. If I hug hubby or my oldest, she gets mad. If oldest has a red crayon, her crayon has to be red....any crayon won't do. If we are eating hamburgers, she has to have her's whole, too. Chopped up is not an option. Regular cups, regular forks..... even wearing her older sister's clothes.....these are all musts. At least I figured it out. It's easier to ignore that sort of behavior rather than thinking I just had an overly emotional child. Oh, the drama of a toddler.

 

Anniversary. Hubby and I have a great 7th anniversary planned. It's on Sept. 11 which is rather dreary, but the following weekend, we have a sitter. We are going to an old Italian restaurant we haven't been to since we were dating. It's really romatic and byob. Love it. Just for old time's sake....and then we are going to Oktoberfest -- kind of a carnival of sorts -- just the two of us for a fun date. We'd normally bring the kids, but so that we can feel like kids again (well, kids who drink beer and down funnel cakes) we're going solo. Yea us! Hope the weather is nice.

 

Weather! Yea, we are in tghe 80s. Please stay that way through October at least. I love the 80s temps in the fall -- perfect. I have walked the past two nights. I am power walking. I do about 50 or so lunges along one side of the track. Wow -- it hurts but it will work. I am determined to shape up. I don't care about being skinny -- I'm not competing with Ms. Richie -- but I do want to be toned and look good in a pair of jeans this fall. So, I've been walking after the kids are in bed. Not only is good for me physically -- it's a great way to clear my mind and be alone for a bit, too.

 

Alone time. This weekend hubby and oldest have their second father/daughter campout group. So it's just me and the bambino. I'm excited. When her bedtime hits, it's PPV, catalogues......catching up on photo albums. I plan to clean/organize the master bedroom closet throughout the weekend. Oh the joys of solitude!

 

Movie -- Make it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine. I went to see it with my pal Alleycat -- we laughed so hard, we cried. It was awesome...... a must-see.

 

The letter. I did write back. Very briefly, nothing revealing. It took about four days and then he wrote back. It was even nicer than the first. He wasn't trying to reconnect -- I just think he had a lot ot get off his chest. I hope somehow he feels better. That's where it ended, and I have a feeling, forever...... I'm OK with that.

 

Work....... Even though it's slowed down, I still need to collect a paycheck, so off I go.....

 

'til next time, friends

 

UPDATE: So I rushed upstairs to get my seemingly very sleepy toddler..... I knew immediately that something wasn't right. She wouldn't just be so still in her crib at 8 a.m. I pick her up -- burning hot. 101, actually. Made the call to work...made the call to sitter..... Changed back into my PJs..... turned on Teletubbies...... looks like we're at home today. Darnit ;)