It's amazing how much can be packed in to  2 1/4 days of the weekend. I know they are supposed to be for relaxing, but that's rarely the case around here. And that's OK. This was a weekend that was (almost) all about the kids.

 

Friday was nice. I took a nice pause and had a glass or two of wine with hubby after the kids went to bed and we watched one of our favorite comedies and just laughed and relaxed. So I did get some me-time in. Then Saturday morning signaled the beginning of a typical weekend for us -- otherwise known as non-stop.

 

I took both girls--brave I know--shopping Saturday morning. Usually, shopping is for me with little stops here and there for them just for fun. Not this Saturday. On the agenda: gymnastics leotard, new dance clothes and shoes, new dance bag, jeans for school, and new school shoes. We got everything done--and a quick stop for doughnuts-- in a span of about two hours. Except the shoes. I was hitting all of the discount type places--Marshall's, Ross, etc.--so that I didn't have to spend too much. Either the store didn't have her size or didn't have what we were looking for. By that time the baby was OVER shopping so we head home for a quick lunch and a nap for the baby. Make that a much-needed nap.

 

Then the present wrapping began. One present for Saturday's party and another for Sunday's. Kate, my oldest, was a great helper and added her own special touches. She is just too funny sometimes. So then we head to the party. It's at a gym which is nice because it allows the kids to expend any and all energy and I got to chat with my pal Alleycat. The baby stayed home with her dad, so I got a much-needed break from whining, crying, chasing....the typical drill of a toddler. Then it was back home to pack up the family in the car and run some errands. Sadly, hubby decided to take advantage of a suit sale....with all of us. I'll spare you the details but to sum it up, this suit store is where the baby discovered lollipops. She stole her sister's--right out of her mouth--and takes off running like a criminal on the run through the store threatening to damage every $600 suit with sticky red gunk. She also discovered three-way mirrors, and continually tried to "hug" all of the other girls who looked just like her. It made her laugh for awhile, and then it made her mad. Trying to keep her occupied and her sister pacified from losing her sucker--well, let's just say I would have earned first place if this had been a competition.

 

By this time, it was definitely time for dinner. I was hungry; the kids were starving. So we head to a place where they love the food and it's so loud that temper tantrums are relatively ignored. We were "good" and split a Mexican food entree. I did have a margarita--which is cheating--but I needed one. Bad.  So then we head to the big mall for shoes. I try all of the "discount" type of stores first. It's just too frustrating with the crowds and sparse selection. I go to Stride Rite where I know the shoes will fit and she'll like them. I also know the price will hurt. She found two shoes -- buy one, buy the other half off -- but the bill was still $80. For kid's shoes. Damn! I kept the receipt. If I have time to pop in a few more places, I may return the others. We'll see. However, time....yeah right.

 

So, all items are crossed off the list for school! Yea! We'll get school supplies and spirit wear at packet pick up. WHEW! On Sunday, we were so tired and the baby was so cranky that we did not go to church as planned. That is OK. We'll start when school does and to make us go, I am going to sign us up for a couple's Sunday School class, which we're looking forward to. Anyway, I used the time to organize my daughter's room. From top to bottom, I put away out of season or too small clothing and shoes. I gave toys and books she has outgrown to the baby. I threw away "junk" that she doesn't even know she has anymore. I made a place for keepsakes. I organized toys and books. I organized her desk. Her drawers are completely organized and set up in a way she can access everything and pretty much dress herself every day. I organized all of the crazy hair items she has. We made a place for play make up so the baby can't find it. She told me she feels like she has a new room and actually said thank you. That made the half-plus day of work it took worth it. Now the guest room is filled with toys that need to be stored for her sister. But that's a job for another day. I did the same to the baby's room. It wasn't as hard but I edited toys and outgrown clothes for either donation or her younger cousin. YES! I love getting stuff like that done. The next job is to organize photos and update frames--a photography project. I am also making them little "curio" type boxes of baby keepsakes. My favorite catalogue--Exposures--has just what I want. I just need to get everything out that I want to display and order the dang things.

 

So now the oldest is officially enrolled in everything....organized....we're on our way. We are going to my parents' lakehouse this weekend. It will be nice for me to have some helping hands, and I think it's the perfect way to spend the last weekend before school. I will get to see my grandparents and maybe my sister. It will be good to get away from some of the chaos.

 

My oldest had two parties to attend yesterday--she has quite the social calendar. Watching her interact--or not interact--with other children and grown ups inspired me on a blog or two.....which I hope will be my next entry......

 

My hubby also inspired me on another blog....but that's for another time. The clock tells me it's time to begin our week. I started it with some time on the elliptical, so yea me! Outside of the margarita and a few chips at the Mexican restaurant, I'm still doing well on my quest to eat better.

 

Yep, random......

 

Have a great week, blog dorks.

 

Til next time.....

Not much time for a new entry, but most of the cabo pics are up. More to come, I hope.

 

Too much to do..... so does this count as an entry for today?

 

Cheers.

 

 

Why I used that title, I don't know.

 

Yes, I am in a goofy mood. This is a quickie because the chaos that is the life of a working mother (same thing) is about to begin. I sort of lounged around in bed this a.m., hitting snooze. It dawned on me that in two weeks, that will be a thing of the past. At this hour, my oldest will be 25 minutes into her Kindergarten class. Hopefully, I'll be on my way to work to get an early start. It will be nice to have a little more of a schedule and some discipline around here.

 

I think I am going to set my alarm for 5:50 every day and jump on the elliptical. Then I am going to shower and get the kids up, dressed, and fed. I'll check the clock at that point. If I have time to finish getting ready, I will. Otherwise, I'll get Kate to school and come back home to finish getting ready and drop the baby off on the way to work. Considering we usually get up around 7 or 7:30, this is going to be an adjustment, but a necessary one. And, it will get everyone in bed at a decent hour, too.

 

I'm sure everyone reading this blog is so excited to hear about our new schedule. It's the stuff Oscar movies are made of, I know. Oh well....it helps to write it out.

 

So I'm on day four of eating nothing but healthy, small meals. I wanted to see if I even dropped a pound. Nope! I need to drink more water. I know this. I have just never been a water drinker. I need to figure out a way to make it a habit.

 

As you can see, I added a new photo album. It's of my work's big bash every year. There were about 2,000 people there. We transformed a major country and western bar into a platinum and white, sophisticated event. We had about 20 restaurants, a contortionist, nekkid cheetah dancers (yes, that is body paint), aerialists, six bands, all kinds of Vegas-y dancers, stilt guys..... you name it. It was crazynuts. Yes, that's a word....to me.

 

I hope to have Cabo pictures up next if I will ever get to the photo place and pick up the CD. It's hard enough to swing by the store to get a gallon of milk. Pictures haven't topped the list yet.

 

So we are in for another kid-packed weekend. A birthday party on Saturday, buying new dance clothes and a gymnastics leotard for the oldest, new school shoes for the oldest, a birthday party on Sunday, and a back to school party for oldest on Sunday. And we have resolved to get back on track with church starting this Sunday, so we'll be there trying to find which Sunday School class our kids are in now and trying to catch up with our pledge during the offering. (Oops)

 

Then we have one full week of "summer" left. I quote it because the heat will last for another two months, but school will be in session. I plan to take the girls to the lake house to see my parents and grandparents as a "last blast" before the serious stuff begins. In between, I have a lot of household projects to complete -- organizing fall clothes, putting away summer stuff, storing clothes that will be hand-me-downs, sifting through outgrown toys and donating some......I need to do photo albums..... The list never ends.

 

OK, so I guess it's time to round up the troops and start our Thursday. Work is heating up big time for me with some of my biggest projects of the year. I have a few blog entries saved that are not "what I had for breakfast" which I plan on posting soon. Stay tuned blog dorks....

 

 

 

 

….. is only blog about my daily life. Yet here I go again, writing about my little world. Part of me feels like I should explain why I have been MIA, another part of me just wants to throw the words out on the page so I can organize my thoughts, and another part of me just isn’t ready to write anything major of heavy right now. I always wondered if I would get sick of writing by taking on a blog. I wouldn’t say “sick,” but on days when I write a lot, I don’t really feel like writing anything else. So writing about my daily life is easy. It’s basically just re-capping. So, here we go.

            The whole world is busy, so saying that I’m busy just isn’t all that impressive. However, it’s the truth. Am I coming or going? Some days, I’m not sure. This whole back-to-school gig…..OK, I realize I am probably over-reacting a bit.  It’s just Kindergarten. However, it’s our first time to “do Kindergarten.” Therefore, we are a little bit excited and a whole lot nervous. First of all, there are the uniforms. We’ve done all the shopping for the uniforms, the tights and knee socks, and the coordinating hair accessories. Then there are the shoes—we don’t have those yet. Since her feet grow an inch a day, I’m waiting until the last minute. Then of course there is Friday Spirit Wear day. We buy the spirit wear at packet pick up, the day before school. But she needs jeans. Her jeans from last year won’t snap, and they are now highwaters. Oh yes, and she gets one “free day” to dress how she wants, if she so chooses, so a few cute outfits are in order as well. Oh yes! The backpack and lunch box. These are a bigger deal than I thought. I ordered them today and am crossing my fingers they get here on time. We don’t have school supplies. Everyone assures me I can buy a pre-assembled pack, courtesy of the PTA, at packet pick up day. I hope so. Can you imagine Target or Wal Mart the eve before school starts? I realize I am gambling here.

            But wait! There’s more! What do I do with my child from 2:45 until I can get here at 6:30? Should I entrust a daycare worker to pick her up and take her to a daycare every day, riding around in a van in a huge city? Should I just quit my job solely to be there for her at the end of the day? How about a nanny or someone to pick her up and take her home? Neither of these options work for us for a myriad of reasons, so I signed her up for the school district’s after-school care program. I hear it’s really great. We’ll see. However, for the first time in almost six years, I can say that her childcare is affordable.

            You think I’m finished don’t you? Nope. For the past three years I have had the luxury of having karate, dance, and gymnastics instructors all come to my child’s daycare to teach her these fantastic programs. I didn’t have to play taxi driver mom, and I just showed up to the recitals at the end of the year. Oh yeah, and wrote the checks. Well, none of these fine people show up to a public school to interrupt academia at its finest, so I turn into taxi mom at approximately 6 p.m. every day starting the first week of August.

So far, we have swimming lessons on Thursdays, gymnastics on Wednesdays, and hopefully if the ditzy lady at the dance school will call me back, we’ll have dance on Tuesdays. This is 3 out 5 school nights we’ll be involved in some sort of activity right at dinnertime. SIGH. Yes, I know…. preach about the overscheduled child. I consider swimming a non-negotiable. The kid has to learn to swim. Plus, we have a pool. I consider dance an almost non-negotiable in that I believe it teaches coordination, grace, and discipline. Plus, she really loves it. And I love watching her. I could do without the gymnastics, but she is making progress. Let’s just say she wants to be a cheerleader in a few years, well, this will come in handy. And, I don’t think there is anything wrong with learning about the importance of exercise and strength. She would like to be in Karate, which I am fine with too, but three activities is the limit. She has to make a choice. So far, it’s gymnastics. We’ll see.

            So, I have been driving around and looking at facilities and finding class schedules that meet a working mom’s needs. I laugh when a school boasts that it has after-school classes. Yeah right—at 3:45. That is after-school for an elementary student—not a working mother. Try 6 p.m. you scheduling morons. I guarantee you I am not the only working area in the seventh largest city in the country.

            Ok, so then after all of this, I have birthday parties, baby showers to throw (it was great btw), my husband’s birthday celebration(s), and the most kick-ass party of the year. The magazine I work for throws a HUGE party once a year to celebrate all the great things this city offers. We deem what’s “best” in the city and then invite everyone to see why. We had about 2,000 people this year—along with 10-feet-high stilt guys, body art “leopards” doing some sort of dance, go-go dancers, body contortionists, mechanical bull, aeralists doing all kinds of crazy dancing from the ceiling, about 20 different restaurants serving food. It was off the hook! I hope to post photos soon. The theme was platinum and white, so everyone was supposed to dress appropriately. Most did, so it made the scene look that much cooler.

            Oh yes, speaking of work. I had a big deadline last week that I barely met. Now I begin production of the September issue and am already working ahead on a huge October issue. I have also been asked to contribute more often to our sister publication, so that has kept me busy as well. In between all of this I have probably done 20 loads of laundry, swept the kitchen floor about 100 times, run errands until my car is just plain worn out, paid more bills than I have money for, picked up more toys than any child should be allowed to have, changed more diapers than should be legal, executed about a week’s worth of happy birthday festivities for hubby, and said ‘go to bed’ more times than I can count.

Today was my baby’s 18 month check up and my oldest daughter’s five-year check up. Everyone is healthy, thank goodness, but my oldest was referred to a speech therapist. This has caused a bit of a rift between hubby and I, in that he thinks we can teach her how to avoid this issue. Yeah, right. She has improved in many areas, but she still says an s more like an sh and a th like an f. When she was 3 it was cute…even at 4, but now it’s clear there is an issue. We have tried to correct her, but that is what comes naturally to her. I think it’s great the pediatrician referred her to a speech therapist, but hubby feels like it will single her out in school as something is wrong with her. I’d rather have the situation cleared up in Kindergarten than her go on that way and then be made fun of. So, I am calling the district tomorrow to set it up.

And, on a side—and sadder—note….. I have a close family member who had a biopsy for cancer today. I don’t want to reveal who it is yet because my hope is that it’s nothing and I’ll never have to discuss it again, but I am worried. And we have a close friend whose son was born a week ago with a serious heart defect. In less than one week of his little, precious life, he has had two heart surgeries. Therefore, my mind has been on them. I am hoping and praying for the very best outcome for both. I can’t imagine being in either of their places right now. It just goes to show how you really, really never know. Just when you think you have it all planned out….

Anyway, onto other topics….it’s hotter than hell here. I guess it’s that way everywhere, but temps are ranging around 104 every day. It’s miserable. I am going to start walking in the evenings, and even now at 8:30, it’s pretty miserable out there. Still, I’m not ready to see summer go yet. It has flown by. All of the signature marks of summer—my birthday, July 4, vacations, Father’s day—they have flown right past us. I can’t believe we have been in this house for a year—two summers. My baby has gone from a tiny baby I carried everywhere to a walking, talking toddler in a year. One year ago, I had a pre-schooler and a schedule to come and go through life as we pleased. Now public school will dictate our schedule. I know that she is going to make huge changes in the next year and slowly morph out of this “little girl” stage. She is such a great kid. I tease her sometimes and say, “I wish I could just put you back in my tummy all over again.” She laughs hysterically and thinks I’m joking, but I’m really not. Sometimes, I do want to do it all over again with her just so I can spend more time and pay more attention to the little things. I need to remember that with my “baby.”

Speaking of which, I asked hubby to put away the exersaucer, stroller, and car seat so we could make a pile for the re-sale shop. Get this…he says HE isn’t ready. I think he honestly believes we might have another baby. I don’t see it happening, not on purpose anyway. We just have to store in the in the attic “for awhile.” All I can think of is that they’ll be more outdated and we’ll get less money, but oh well.

Let’s see….. oh yes. Food. We are on a health kick of sorts around here. I wouldn’t call it a diet. I hate diets. We’re just eating better, plain and simple. Not only is it good for us, but it will also save money. It keeps us from going out, knowing that we have good food at home. It’s a pain to cook and clean up, but I am choosing simple meals that taste good. I hope we can keep it up. Essentially, it’s no red meat and lots of fish and chicken. Larger salads. Only multi-grain or whole grain pasta and brown rice—no white carbs. Oh, and no sugar. Usually, I lose weight when I get rid of the sugar. Yes, I know wine has sugar. Hubby is going for zero to one glasses per night. I don’t really drink on week nights so if I have a glass socially on the weekends, it’s no biggie. Saturday was our “last meal” of sorts. We went to a really great restaurant in Uptown and had filet, sea bass, grilled asparagus, potatoes au gratin (the best I have ever had…orgasmic), creamed spinach, calamari for an appetizer (divine), and crème brulee. Oh yes, and we split a wonderful bottle of red, and I had a killer dirty martini before dinner. We were so full that we couldn’t even stay awake an hour when we got home. You just have to do that now and then though—long, lingering over dinner date nights. I wanted to see a movie, but hubby was too tired. He’s 36 going on 60 sometimes!

OK, so is this enough mundane stuff? If you couldn’t sleep, I bet you can now! I hope to have Cabo and Best of Big D pictures up soon, and I also hope to have a “real post” soon, too.

So, until then……

This describes me perfectly this weekend.

 

Just about the time I was starting to feel a little sorry for my ex and wonder how I might be responsible for his pain, I get word that he heard I emailed our mutual friend. He doesn't know my last name or have any contact information, nor did he ask for it or want it.

 

But he did throw this in. It was the perfect thing to make me remember the bad and not the good....and to put any guilty feelings aside.

 

Apparently when his friend mentioned that I know knew his life story and he got a quick update on my happines and success he said this:

 

"Tell the bitch if she wants a good time in bed, give me a call."

 

Yeah. He's a winner. Like I said, good luck Ohio.

 

Also this weekend.....

 

I have decided that my children hate me. They must. The baby cries and throws fits all the time around me, and my oldest whines and asks for everything under the sun when we're out -- candy, junk food, toys. Apparently, this stuff doesn't happen when they are with their dad and I'm not around. He says they don't ask this way because he doesn't tolerate it. I guess I do. I guess they cry because I don't give in. I'm not sure, but they don't seem happy around me. I am always the one that does the have-to's -- brushing teeth, bathing, cleaning snotty noses, wiping faces, making sure they eat right, saying no a hundred times a day, saying it's time for bed....Mr. Fun doesn't do all that stuff. Not fair. I can kiss the 100 times and love them to pieces, but in five minutes I can be so frustrated I want to run screaming from the house.

 

Yep, rollercoaster.

 

I had to run some errands today. The baby was napping so the oldest and I headed out. I got my car washed...finally. It was so dirty. The guy points out I have a nail in my tire. I started crying. Why? I just couldn't handle one more thing. In that it's Sunday, Discount Tire was closed. I knew I'd have to be late to work tomorrow to deal with the tire. I was just so frustrated!

 

I took off work early on Friday to sign my daughter up for after-school care. It's downtown and a huge paperwork nightmare. I should have called first. Why? Because they were closed on Friday--summer hours. So I had all of this time and wanted to be productive. So I picked up my daughter and we started on her school clothes shopping. Her school, although public, is moving toward a school uniform policy. It's optional, but "strongly suggested." Almost everyone complies. I am all the way for it. No fighting in the morning over outfits, and Dad can surely dress her because everything matches. All of the "in" stores carry stuff for this now, knowing more schools are headed this way.

 

Anyway, we picked up a few things. She looked so cute--like a page out of a kid's catalogue advertising back to school. I wanted to cry.

 

I didn't.

 

But today I did. The sales lady at Children's Place has to think I'm a lunatic. I was buying her the last thing on the list--a cute little jumper. One in blue and one in khaki. We got the tights and hair stuff to coordinate with it. She was so grown up picking everything out and being so patient. The song in the backgroun was "Be True to  Your School Now" -- trying to get everyone in a back to school shopping mood. I just started bawling....right then and there. To the right of me was baby clothes. Cute, darling baby clothes. When Kate was three or four months old, I ventured out on a mall outing just the two of us. This was still in the nursing stage so I remember stopping at the bathroom with a place for that. I went to Children's Place and just went crazy buying her all of her "first summer clothes." She was so tiny and so cute. And here I was, five years later at the same store and same mall buying her first Kindergarten clothes. Where did all of that time go? I just wanted to jump back in time and have her all over again. I wouldn't change a thing, except that I would pay more attention, not be so grumpy to be awakened in the middle of the night..... paid more attention to every little detail. It's true that you start to forget..... That newborn baby stage goes so fast. It's so sweet, just having them rest there on your shoulder all soft and cuddly with that newborn baby smell. I remember finding out I was pregnant with her. And here were are. Wow. She's so ready for school, and I'm so proud of her!

 

And finally....

 

We have crabs. That's right. Kate has asked patiently every mall trip for us to buy her hermit crabs. I don't want these suckers in my house so I divert her attention at Libby Lu's. Well, yesterday hubby had her at the mall. He caved. We now own Chloe and Flowie. Hubby didn't pay a bit of attention to the care instructions. I researched it and went to a pet store, and it turns out, we were doing everything wrong. He bought a pack of food and that's it. So....$100 later, total with crabs and supplies, we now have two new beings in our midst. They are gross little things when their legs come out. Kate is in love with them. She picks them up and stares at the constantly. She goes over the rules of "her crabs and her crabs only" constantly. She feeds them and does the misting, and we found a great spot for them in her room. I just have a bad feeling about this. We can barely keep a Beta alive..... wish us luck. But to tie this into rollercoaster of emotion -- I went from mad at hubby to purchasing this without me....to mad that the supplies were wrong...to grossed out at their yucky legs...to admiring Kate for being so brave, careful, and responsible with them....to finally, fear that the baby is going to one day dump the whole damn cage. Like I said, wish us luck.

 

My house was sparkling clean this morning and now it's a wreck....so, speaking of emotions....I need to get started on it before I declare war on this household.

 

til next time....

 

I was in contact this week with an old friend of mine from my "old life."

 

I reached out to her by finding her through a little research and then emailing her. I've missed her friendship through the years. I haven't seen her since about 1996, so 10 years. We were really good friends. In fact, we were in each other's weddings. To clarify, she was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. Her husband and my ex-husband were--are--best friends.

 

As it is with most couples, our friendship had to end when the marriage did. It was impossible to remain friends with "the enemy." We never really said good-bye. It was just understood on both our parts that a friendship between us would be inappropriate. She was on her husband's team by marriage...and her husband was on my ex's team. I have always understood that.

 

As the years have worn on, my fear of my ex-husband has diminished...of not disappeared. If he hasn't tried to find me by now, then he's not. Anger has morphed into indifference. I feel nothing. And that's a good thing. No love...no hate...not bitterness....nothing. I was feeling rather nostalgic a few days ago and decided to look her up. It was easier than I thought it would be to find her. My guess is that she wouldn't be able to email me back, in fear that her husband would be angry for "fraternizing with the enemy."

 

She responded right away to my email and told me how glad she was that I found her. She had thought of me often through the years. She told me how proud she was of me that I had the courage and strength to finally exit a brutal relationship. She had longed to tell me that but didn't know how or where to find me. She prayed and hoped I had found happiness. She said she, as well as her husband, had always silently cheered me on from the sidelines and understood why I had to do what I did so many years ago. I was shocked and touched by her honesty and genuine love and concern for my well-being. She was thrilled to know I was happily married with two daughters and an exciting and fulfilling career. She too has two children and a job she loves. It was great to catch up.

 

Then the question....the inevitable question...arose. Did I want to know about my ex-husband and how he is and what he is doing? She told me that she would completely understand if I didn't want to know, but that she would share what she knows as she and her husband remain in close contact with him.

 

My initial reaction was no. I have come this far without knowing, and I firmly believe that one of the reasons I have finally become the person I was meant to be and have created a good life for myself is because I didn't know. Knowing would drag me down. Guilt, sorrow, fear.....those are heavy weights to carry around. I have slowly but surely been releasing those weights from my mind and heart for a decade. Why would I want to stack them right back on my soul?

 

Then I drove to work. I had plenty of time to think in my hour-long commute. The curiosity was killing me. Part of m hoped to hear that he was happily married with 2.5 kids, a dog, and living on a hill in a cottage with a white picket fence. And part of me didn't.

 

I didn't answer the email. I busied myself with tasks at work. But the thoughts kept coming back. I decided to ask, so I replied with a list of questions.

 

This is what I found out.

 

He has never remarried, and he doesn't have children.

 

He lives his life by a book called The Predatory Female. It's his Bible of sorts. He buys it for his male friends--even his happily married ones. Women rob men of their souls, take their money, and leave them financially and emotionally poor. They are, according to this book, nothing short of the devil himself.

 

He did graduate from college--the college I spent my time helping him get through living on beans and rice (literally), generic diet sodas, cheap beer, and scuffed high heels with the soles coming off. He has done very well in his career and makes "good money" -- whatever that is. However, he lives very modestly, which doesn't suprise me--like a one-bedroom "shack." His only major expense has been a hunting dog.

 

He takes "vacations" frequently. But they are his kind of vacations. He drives to the mountains, not really sure where he's going....parks...pitches a tent and stays awhile. He disappears for weeks at a time.

 

He is still an alcoholic with severe liver problems. His drinking has left him stranded in the snow in Wyoming after crashing his snowmobile, leaving him to almost freeze to death. He was so drunk he jumped out of a two-story house, shattering his foot. He now has a titanium plate in his foot.

 

He still does drugs.

 

He is bald.

 

He still wears the same clothes --- worn our jeans, a button down untucked shirt, and a baseball cap. He still wears his cap at restaurants and doesn't care whether or not it is inappropriate.

 

He has had one relationship with an older woman who has two kids that she doesn't have custody of. They have "an abusive relationship" on both sides with "a lot of drama."

 

He repeatedly speaks of how much he hates women.

 

He only sees his family about once per year. He is still fighting with his mom.

 

He has never uttered an ill work about me in front of this couple.

 

He actually takes responsibility and blame for the break up of our marriage.

 

Supposedly, on the rare occasion he does speak of it, he has "deep pain in his eyes."

 

He has "definitely let me go and moved on."

 

He has beeing living in Idaho and is moving to Ohio. (Watch out Ohio...fair warning.)

 

So now I know this information. I don't necessarily feel better knowing it. I don't feel worse. I sort of feel sad and a little bit sorry for him. The sensitive side in me still has that, "Oh poor Bill" attitude I've had since I was 15. I immediately try to analyze and make excuses, such as he had a rough childhood and an unloving mother...he had to move around too much as a kid....blah, blah, blah. But that sort of thinking is exactly what led me to make the biggest mistake of my life--marrying him and trying to save him.

 

The sensible and more mature side of me knows that he is who he is and it is obvious that he will never change. He didn't learn anything from our divorce--that much is more than obvious. We all have choices in life. Every day, we wake up and almost everything we do is a choice. Yes, there is only so much we can control, but after we receive the card that life deals, everything else is a choice. He had a choice to clean up his act. He had a choice to be nicer to women....to find someone special and treat her right....to have children and a life with her. He has a choice to make up with his mom and forgive her. He has a choice to live near a family who loves him so much. He has a choice not to drink and do drugs or to get help to try and stop. He has a choice to stop living dangerously and risking his life. He has been doing all of this since the day I met him in 1987. Whether it's jumping out of planes as a paratrooper, crashing a three-wheeler off a cliff, flipping a wave runner and slicing his foot open, or doing something so stupid that he breaks his foot and can't even wear a regular shoe for the rest of his life. He's hell-bent on self destruction, and he doesn't care who he takes along for the ride. He has always been that way.

 

And he almost took me.

 

He said he didn't want kids. I guess he meant it. I think that's a good thing. He never wanted to get married, either. I still firmly believe that he asked me so that no one else would. I was always a posession to him.

 

He asked me to "go with him" in a bathroom at a high school party. We were trying to find a quiet place to talk, and that was the only unoccupied room. He sat on the floor, and I sat on the lid of the toilet. He had been drinking and got a little teary-eyed--a rare sight for this 6'5 bully. He told me that he loved me, and that he had never told anyone that before. He said he didn't want me to be with anyone else. I really liked him--a lot. I was hoping that we would be exclusive. It was September 19. I still remember the date. He said, "Are we going to make this work?" knowing full well that we were opposites in every way. I knew what people thought of him--that he was mean, picked fights, and was generally glad to challenge the system whenever he could. I was straight as an arrow, girl next door, and eager to please. I remember hugging him and looking up at the sky and saying to myself, "God help me." And then I said yes.

 

Little did I know how much I needed that little prayer for the next 15 years.

 

That was the beginning of a realy long and dramatic story filled with incredible highs and devastating lows. It was also the first of many times I said that little prayer when it came to him. I plan to fill in the blanks in some future entries. I think something has come over me that is urging me to let this stuff out, finally, after so many years. I have supressed and buried so many memories.

 

A perfect example: When my husband and I were riding the wave runner in Cabo I shouted out, "This reminds me of Italy--in Capri." I had completely forgotten I'd even been there, or what it really looked like. I have swam in the ocean in Capri, dined seaside, tanned topless on the sandy beach there.....all with my ex. We spent a fabulous night there and ate the best dinner I've probably ever had in my life. The memories are sketchy at best. But I was there. My mind keeps wanting to block out.

 

In therapy, my therapist tried some sort of regressive treatment that would make me go back and remember and identify my feelings. I refused it after the first time. It was too much.

 

But, back to my point..... I asked the questions. She answered. I assume the nightmares will begin any night soon. I have two repeatedly. The first is that he finds me and comes to get me. My place is with him--I know this--but I am so sad to leave my life....husband and kids.... I was having so much fun. I hate it that I have to go back to the old life. The second dream is worse. I dream that I have killed him and buried him partly alive. In one dream, I buried him under his grandmother's house. Everyone is searching for him and worried, pacing around, and I know he is right under the floor. I am sick to my stomach with guilt and fear. In another, I have buried him at the football field of our high school stadium. People haven't seen him in days and are asking about him. Only I know, and I can't stand the thought of what I have done.

 

I don't know much about interpreting dreams....but I'm sure someone out there has some ideas of what they mean. I don't know if I'm ready to know though!

 

So now I know. I don't know how to process the information. I have shared it with friends, and even my husband. Most laugh at his stupidity. I still feel that nagging tug at my heart--sadness, pity, guilt. But I also feel relief that I am here, safe and sound with my family....my beautiful, close-to-perfect family that I love so much. I know with all my heart that I am living the life I was born to live. I have no doubt about that. I made a mistake to get here, but this is where I am supposed to be. These two children were meant just for me and my husband....there is no doubt. I guess I still have that problem somewhere in me where I want him to be fixed....where I don't want to be a part of his troubles....Most of all, I want to quit thinking about it. I want the thoughts out of my brain...now.

 

But it's my fault. I emailed her....and I asked for the information. It just goes to show....not only should you be careful what you wish for, but be careful for what you ask for. You just might get it.

 

'til next time.

Sorry, I can't think clearly enough right now to come up with a catchy title.

 

Blame it on the over-consumption of tequila which obviously led to some brain cell destruction.

 

Either that or the mother of a sunburn I have on my scalp. Yeah, that attractive scalp sunburn in your part that will start to peel in a week or so, making you look like you have a scary case of dandruff. It hurts!

 

Also hurting: A splotch on my right forearm. A sliver of skin right around the edge of chest on my bikini top. The top of my left thigh. Two splotches of skin on my shoulder blades.

 

Cabo is hot. En fuego. Caliente in a way that I can't even describe. I tanned even through 30 sunscreen. And, if I missed a spot or didn't reapply appropriately after taking a dip in the pool, I burned in splotches and streaks. I look like a very strange science experiment gone wrong at the moment. When this thing turns into a tan, my body will resemble some sort of map of a lost land or something.

 

So, because of my fried and rather tired state, here is the lowdown on Cabo 2006:

 

The glass-bottom boat ride on the Sea of Cortez around the famous arch and Lover's Beach is awesome. It's like snorkeling, but well, you don't have to snorkel and choke on a bunch of salty ocean water. Or get eaten by a shark. Whichever. It was 45 minutes of relaxation and fun. Highly recommend.

 

90 minutes on a wave runner in the Sea of Cortez is about 80 minutes too long. Highlights, however, included watching sea lions THISCLOSE climb up and down the rocks and around the arch. Scary parts? Watching sting rays swim around and flip out of the water all around you. So, um if sea lions and sting rays are swimming all around us, what else? Flip this thing over hubby and it's divorce court for you. Not to mention, as we're buzzing around, there are snorkelers and divers everywhere. It's a wonder we all survived. 90 minutes---way too long.

 

Time share presentations. You can't walk two feet without some guy talking you into a time share presentation. Free shows, free activities, cold hard U.S. cash, free spa treatments.... they dangle it right in front of you. This is a blog for another time. It's another one of those situations that it seems like only we find ourselves in. Going to Mexico soon? Avoid these people at all costs.

 

Air conditioning. This is a rarity in Mexico, particularly Cabo. We stayed in one of the only resorts that had it throughout. Thank God. Did I mention how hot it was there?

 

Chocolate raspberry margarita. It was Heaven. Divine. I can still taste it.

 

Margarita from Cabo Wabo. Even though it sounds cliche, it was hands down the best margarita I have ever had in my life. It was perfect. I could have had 10. Almost did. Go to their web site and buy a bottle of the tequila if you can and get the recipe. You won't regret it.

 

All inclusive. This is a great idea if you are a family vacationing on a budget, a novice to the beach vacationing scene, a first-time vacationer or honeymooner, or a college kid who just wants to drink until you puke. It is not a good idea for us. There is only so much watered down drinks in paper cups you can stand. Only so much no-name liquor you can choose from, and only so much unidentifiable, fly-ridden food you can consume. And, honestly, there is a limit to how many old, fat women you can stand to look at in a bathing suit and how many old sunburned and drunk men acting like they are 20 again that you can handle per day. There is also a limit on how many couples and honeymooners making out in the pool that you can stand to swim by on your way to the swim up bar. I think I'll just pay per drink and per meal next time at a nicer resort where peace and tranquility--not partying--is the order of the day. The pool music was so loud and blaring, I can still hear it.

 

However..... if you look hard enough at these places, you can still find your own personal Corona commercial. I am not one of those vacationers who likes to meet people and come besties for life with the couple sunning next to me. I want to be left alone. I searched for it all week. I found it sometimes in the adult pool (when moms weren't breaking the rules) and on the beach. My shaded little hut--perfect for napping while listening to the waves, running my fingers through the sand. It's there. You just have to look beyond the pool.

 

The pool. Ick. It's like a public bathing place. First of all, God knows what is going on in there with so many drunk people and kids. Second, all of the sunscreen running off of these people makes the pool an icky hue of ..... I don't even know what. And it's HOT. The hot sun makes the pool feel more like bath water. Not refreshing. Say it with me....EWWWWWW.

 

Food. The food was OK. The a la carte food was great. I will have sweet dreams about the guacamole for months. How do they make it so much better there? But the buffets? Nasty. They kept trying to trick it up by being fancy and putting out all of this international cuisine that looked more like cafeteria slop than the gourmet fest they were going for. Keep it simple, people. And also....buffets do not mean stick your finger or fork into the serving dish and try it first before taking a sample on your plate. Ugh.

 

Kids. That's great that you are bringing your kids to a five-star resort on vacation. Just keep in mind that other people are on vacation, too. Don't get drunk and fall asleep while your children run around the pool like they've never been let out of the house. They knock over people's drinks. They splash them. They cut in line at the snack bar. SIGH.

 

The rooms. I haven't stayed in a nice hotel room in Mexico yet. They are all about the same. Tile floors, kind of humid. They just aren't comfortable and inviting. I'd like to stay in a room in Mexico some time that just beckoned me to come in from the sun and take a nap. Maybe I'll find it some day.

 

Spa. We got spa treatments. I loved my massage. I can't believe I just typed that. It was the first massage in my life where I fell asleep. It was heavenly. Worth every penny.

 

Sea breeze. I tried to find a drink for the first two days that I could stand to drink over and over....I finally found one with a Sea Breeze. However, I do not want another one for a very, very long time.

 

Diet Coke. Most establishments in Mexico--or Cabo at least -- serve Pepsi products. Blech. But when you do find Diet Coke, it is Diet Coke Light. And it is very sweet. Hmmmm...... My first one back in the states was divine. Oh, and Doritos in Mexico don't taste the same either. I still can't figure either one of these mysteries out. Isn't DC a DC and Doritos just Doritos? What's the deal?

 

Souveneirs. My daughter wanted real beach sand and ocean water. I got it for her. You would have thought I brought home a real Disney princess or something. Score! I gave the baby her gift. She looked at it and threw it down. But she was cute when she did it.

 

Packing. I hate to pack, and I hate to unpack even more. It awaits. I need to just get it over with.

 

Work. Back at work tomorrow. Back to reality.

 

Home. I'm glad to be home. I missed my girls so much. They seem bigger in a week! I missed my bed. I like the sounds, smells, and feel of my house. Getting away is great when it makes coming home a treat. So I guess with that said, then it was a good vacation. Lots of fun was had and lots of lessons learned for when we take the next trip.

 

'til next time.....

I am off to Mexico.

 

Kids are safely dropped off at their Nana's. Last check in, "Mommy call me later because I am about to go fishing with pop pop."

 

Yeah, I think they're fine.

 

I haven't been around in awhile because right on cue, just as I do before every major vacation, I got sick. So sick in fact, that a mild sinus trouble turned into a major middle ear infection. I am taking about 12 pills a day, over th counter and prescription. For a freaking sinus infection. Yep, me and the Kindergarteners....all at the doctor for an earache. Nice.

 

I am sort of on the mend and am crossing my fingers that by the time we land I'll be feeling much better.

 

I looked up the weather report in Cabo for the week. The average temperature will range from 102 to 104.

 

Holy crap -- sunscreen anyone?

 

That will require muchas bebidas to cool down from that heat.

 

I think I'm game though. I'm practicing now....

 

Uno mas margarita por favor? Gracias.

 

Yep, no problem. Problemo. Whatever.

 

Hopefully I will return with a lot of good stories and some pictures to go along with them.

 

'til next time....

 

j

I can't believe today is already over. I feel like I just woke up. It was one of those extremely rare days in our family where we had absolutely nothing planned.

 

When you have a blank slate like that in front of you, the options should be endless. And they were. Sadly, however, I only got out of the house once, to pick up some shrimp for dinner. Big excitement. How did the day get away from us?

 

We went to hubby's company anniversary party last night. It was at a semi-pro league's field. It was OK. At least we were out. We got to sleep in a little bit, thank goodness. Hubby went to run some errands and I straightened up the house and played with the kids. Two naps for the baby, a nap for me, and a movie for my oldest daughter--that was about it. Hubby and the oldest swam a little bit until it started sprinkling. He grilled some steaks and I went out for some shrimp and cocktail sauce. (Yeah, we party like rock stars around here). After I got the baby down for the night, we sat down for an interrupted dinner and watche Napolean Dynamite for the 100th time. About that time those little sprinkles turned into a massive downpour with heavy winds. Cable went out. Where the hell did that come from?

 

I hear my oldest yell from the bedroom where she is watching TV, "Mommy the TV broke!" Rather than explain the workings of digital cable and how the weather can affect it, I told her what any good mom would, "Then it's time for bed."

 

Now both kids are in bed, hubby is watching television, and I am finding myself very awake. So, what to blog about? How about a lot of random stuff? These are some thoughts I've had lately....

 

Lancome juicy tubes....I have decided this is the best lip gloss ever invented. As far as I'm concerned, it's the only kind I'll ever buy again.

 

Remember the night I got really, really sick on red wine....months ago? I still can't drink it. I have heard of people not being able to drink something they got sick on for awhile---a month or so. But I think that ruined it for me forever. Sad, because I really liked it. Now the smell of it makes me sick.

 

A few days ago, I went to the GAP to find a few things for my trip to Mexico. I found some way cute beachy summer sundresses for when we go out to dinner in the evenings. I am so excited to wear them. Anyway, I strolled through the GAP BODY section, which I love by the way. I have decided that the next time I want to spend some money on clothes, I am going to overhaul my pajama wear and replace my old junk with stuff from there. It looked so cute and felt like a little slice of heaven. Anyway, they had these really cute hipster undies there....kind of cute cotton with lacy tops. I picked up a few to try. I hope they make these forever because they are about the best undies I've ever purchased look- and comfort-wise. I highly recommend them. Well, to females. And I guess males...that is, if you buy undies for your girl or you are into that sort of thing yourself. (Murmur.)

 

Cocktail sauce. As I was enjoying some nice cold shrimp this evening, I decided to take a look at the nutritonal information of its accompanying product--cocktail sauce. I almost spit my shrimp out right then and there. Because these little suckers are costly, I didn't. Anyway, 1/4 cup of cocktail sauce has about 32 grams of carbs and 13 grams of sugar. It's like a heart attack waiting to happen. Who knew? Why is it the good things in life are always bad for you?

 

Speaking of expensive seafood, what we really wanted tonight to accompany our steaks is lobster. Now, I like lobster. I find it quite tasty. But I am not one of those fanatics who goes goo goo and ga ga over lobster. To me, it tastes like seafood. That's about it. Anyway, I went to the store to get two lobster tails. They didn't have any. They always have it, except of course when you want it. I had two choices-- buy a whole lobster and have him chop it up and steam it for me while I wait or get frozen lobster tails which we all know would taste like, well, frozen lobster tails. All of the sudden, I really wanted lobster. It sounded so good. It's one of those things about life I guess, you don't really want it until you can't have it. I would have driven to another store, but I had the baby with me and she was cranky so I got shrimp instead. I've already forgotten about the lobster.

 

Supergroup. I am so in love with this show on VH1. This is my kind of show. I am glued to that every time it's on. It's a new addiction. Anyway, VH1 promo'd Poison's 20 years of rock concert tour with Cinderella. I was so excited. I told hubby to get ready to buy two tickets--we're going! My luck -- they are in my town on July 7 when we are in Cabo. Darnit! Sure, I'd rather be in Cabo but I would have had so much fun there. I am excited about seeing the new Rock Star series with Tommy Lee -- finding a singer for his new band Supernova. That should be some pretty good TV.

 

Speaking of rock, I ordered what I consider to be my favorite clothing purchase...maybe ever. I found this cool web site for vintage rock tee-shirts. I got a Guns N Roses pink vintage baby doll-style t-shirt. It is the most rockin' thing EVER. I also got a black thermal GNR shirt for the winter. How cool am I going to be? Yep, that cool. I wanted a Poison shirt, and the site had some, but they weren't vintage-looking enough. It was more like concert tee stuff, which I think is pretty dumb. Of course, most people reading this probably think a pink vintage GNR shirt is dumb too. But guess what? I don't care!

 

The next few days are just going to be so action-packed for me. Tomorrow, Alleycat and I are taking the girls to the zoo. That will be quite the (hot) adventure. Then her family is going to come over for an early dinner and drinks with swimming, etc. I decided to go into the office on Monday since I'm going to be out for awhile. If nothing else, I can get caught up on stuff I need to do and never get done. My freelance project is over and the invoice is turned in, and ship week at the magazine was over Friday. It feels like such a huge weight has been lifted. We leave Tuesday to drop the girls off with my mom at her lake house. We'll spend the night and get them settled in, and then we'll head back on Wednesday to pack for Cabo. Our plane leaves at 7:45 a.m. on Thursday. When we arrive in Mexico, it will be 9:30 a.m. there, so we will have the whole day ahead of us. SWEET!

 

Hubby picked up a cool scrunched up straw hat for me -- kind of cowboy hat-looking. He said he thought I'd look good in it in Mexico. I put it on and he said I looked like such a party girl. I pretty much adore this hat. It is probably going to be my poolside attire from now on. If I did get to go to that Poison concert, I would so be wearing that hat with a black tank top and a cool pair of jeans. Oh well.... I hear 80s metal is make a comeback (ahem, cough...cough...) so I'm sure they'll be back in town again.

 

Oh, and another thing that is buggin'. I got this invitation a few weeks ago to a VIP party of the opening of the new W hotel and ghostbar. I wanted to go. Hubby wanted to go. We should have gone. I realized it was on a Thursday. It's a pain to get a sitter on a Thursday and get dressed up cool enough and fancy enough after work to go to an opening such as this. With so much going on, I just figured I'd skip it. I figured we'd have an even there anyway some day. So I just plop the ticket on a chair of a girl at work who I figured would like to go. Turns out, this was THE hottest ticket in town. People were giving up their first born for this ticket. Worse, it was THE party of the year here. Hot model chicks suspended from the air in funky chairs, treatments at bliss spa, celebrities in attendance, most of the major Dallas Mavericks were there -- a total who's who scene. Food was supposedly off the chain and drinks were everywhere. ghostbar was awesome I hear. I have written about this place about a million times so far--thus the invite--and I just passed on it like it was an invite to Macaroni Grill. What was I thinking?! I hear the night ended with some sort of chaos with pepper spray. I'll have to get more scoop on that. Anyway, I am kicking myself right now for that. I guess I can say that at least I wasn't tired and hungover at work on Friday like many co-workers...but let's face it, that was probably a hangover worth having.

 

OK, I think that's just about enough randomness for one night. I think I'm either going to read my new People magazine or flick through some channels. Doing nothing all day is hard work -- I need a break.

 

til next time.....